Witness… The Trip and Fall Down the Aisle
First things first, I’m fine. I’m not a frog. That was fictional. I was tempted to keep up the ruse somehow, like adding a note at the beginning of this entry saying, “This was written before Andy’s transformation,” but meh, decided against it. If you were at all worried, let this be your reassurance that I am not nor have ever been amphibious. Seriously; I suck at swimming, even the doggy paddle. But for the sake of the podcast, I think it’s a nice cliffhanger to lead into Season 3, right?
“The One That Got Away” is the last episode of Season 2 😢. But like last time, fret not. Season 3 has been written, and after a little break, during which I’ll do all that editin’ stuff, I’ll get started on recording the new episodes. The break between Seasons 1 and 2 was, let’s see, seven months, so you can probably expect Season 3 some time during early summer 2022. Still, I haven’t been great at estimating premiere dates, so I should probably just leave it as a TBD.
For now, here we are with “The One,” a romantic comedy that goes completely off the rails in the last act. Truth be told, this was never my intention with this story. I knew it would involve multiple objections at a wedding, but my initial inception didn’t leave the wedding venue at all. Then again, my initial conception didn’t have any ending in mind whatsoever! Which probably factors into why the thing keeps going and keeps going and eventually becomes this super meta diatribe against the whole concept of courting and obligation and partnership.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
“The One,” like so many other stories, was imagined originally for the stage. The plan was for the improv group, Chesterfield, to be the one to perform it. Chesterfield, if you remember from the blog entry for “The Secret in the Swamp,” was a tight-knit Harold team at Endgames, four members of which star in “Swamp.” Here, though, with the podcast episode, Brian Lucett (Father Howard) is the sole Chesterfield representation here. Not for any particular reason; I just strayed away from writing episodes for specific teams. Specific people, sometimes, sure, but no longer teams.
The whole game of romance is perplexing to me. I’m not ashamed (maybe a little ashamed) to admit that I have only been in two and a half relationships in my life, and honestly, one of those relationships could also be considered “a half,” which would mean I’ve only been in “two,” and the cumulative total of those “two” relationships is probably ten months. Part of this has to do with the run of the mill stuff like fear of rejection and self-loathing and all the other stuff that’s part of a comedian’s personality, but it’s also because I find the game so stupid and refuse to play it sometimes. This, of course, results in me “losing” the game, but I’ve always maintained that, although I can be lonely, I never feel alone. Besides, loneliness is easier.
And that’s also part of the problem. Maybe it’s not just a fear of rejection that holds me back, but also a fear of obligation. I remember in my first relationship, the two of us were apart for a month during winter break at college, she in her hometown and me in mine, but we would talk on the phone every day like most couples separated by a long distance are wont to do. But there were times when she would call and interrupt me watching Season 4 of 24, which I had just gotten on DVD for Christmas/my birthday (I was born on Christmas, btw). We would be on the phone for an hour, and I found myself feeling frustrated, even bored, because what I really wanted to be doing was watching Jack Bauer kick some terrorist tuchus. Yes, I know, PRIORITIES, but I was nineteen and new to the whole relationship thing. I ended up breaking up with her (and breaking her heart) once we got back to school, but don’t worry, she’s married and has a beautiful baby now, according to the Facebook stuff that appears in my feed, as we don’t talk ever.
Anyway, my point is that I had problems with truly, I guess, giving myself to another person. I’ve never had problems being vulnerable (I probably cried in front of my friends during half the time I spent at college, which is why I dropped out after a quarter and a half), but there’s always been a feeling (or at least the feeling of a feeling, if that makes sense) of a lack of independence in relationships. I didn’t know how to find an appropriate balance and would usually end up leaning towards my wants and needs and away from theirs. As the years went on and I went on some (not many) dates, that whole thing kind of did a 180 and I started to act clingy; mildly clingy, I believe (and hope 😬), but there was still an essence of cling. The last woman I dated, someone I really liked, dumped me after five dates because she was afraid I was getting too attached while she wasn’t sure about me yet, so she broke it off before she could break my heart further. Wise of her, sure, but also, UGH, that hurt.
So maybe those are some of the reasons I’ve… not necessarily avoided relationships, but why I’ve never been jonesing to be in one, frothing at the mouth and screaming at the sky for someone to love me (of course, if I did that, I’m sure I’d get all the ladies, har har har). But my somewhat self-imposed reluctance has allowed me to observe how relationships work, at least to a certain extent. Watching people’s behavior, hearing stories about their behavior, listening to what people find appropriate or inappropriate, and discovering for myself what’s right and what’s wrong when it comes to partnering up and living within that partnership. While there are many who get it right, so, SO many get it wrong, falling into traps set by Cupid and Eros and Aphrodite and all those other love god assholes who like popping handfuls of Reese’s Pieces into their mouth as they enjoy the entertainment that is Humans Being Stupid. And, I suppose, part of me fears that once I am in a relationship again, I’m going to naturally fall into those traps without realizing it, because that’s the inevitability of love. Woot.
Before jumping writing into “The One,” I knew three things. I knew Dean would be interrupted by many other wedding objectors; I knew Tegan would have a big, words-a-plenty scene taking down how people, namely men, perceive others as romantic interests and not fellow beings with their own wants and needs; and I knew Father Howard would get laid. Beyond those three things, everything was up in the air. When I first started, the first scene wasn’t Tegan finding Dean in the closet; it instead was Steven sneaking Dean into the venue. That whole thing Steven says about being at the wedding? He was! Once, anyway. Both scenes, however, were similar in scope, and having both pushed the actual wedding ceremony to, like, page 30 or something, so I scrapped the Steven scene and put all necessary dialogue into the Tegan one, as Tegan is the more important character (sorry, Steven).
Things started to get mixed up for me once I finished the wedding scene. Originally, there was going to be a week-long time jump that saw Dean going into a bar and running into Tegan there. However, I couldn’t really reconcile the time jump; it felt better if everything in the story happened within a matter of hours. But what really tripped me up was where to take the story from there, once Tegan tells Dean off and leaves him to wallow in his selfish and pathetic nature. What more needed to be said? The story was done, wasn’t it?
It didn’t feel done. So I kept going. I brought Steven back in, still not quite sure where everything was taking me. Then at some point I decided, well, I’m being pretty on-the-nose with everything I’m trying to say. And this podcast gives me enough rope to make things go really cuckoo-bananas. Sooooo… why not incorporate all the trouble I’m having with the story into the story? Take a Charlie Kaufman route? And that’s what I did. Once I decided to bring Thor in for no fucking reason, I was all in on the weird. Part of me occasionally tries to make sense of everything and put a metaphorical spin on the meta-ness, like, everything past Tegan’s speech is in Dean’s mind, or the whole thing is some elaborate fantasy Tegan is having after years of heartache while watching other people walk down the aisle, but the truth is, I don’t know what the hell’s going on. It could be just as simple as I wrote myself into the story, or maybe something else. Who knows?! Fan theory away!
Casting the episode was no easy task. There are so many speaking characters, most of whom don’t have that much “screen” time, and I didn’t want to open up a Zoom room with twenty or so squares taking up all the space, nor did I want to cast a friend to have just one line. The idea of casting people as multiple characters came to mind, but then that became a whole process— which characters does each person play? Can they do two or more and not end up talking to themselves? Does it matter if there’s no real “narrative purpose” that one performer is playing these two specific roles? For that last one, there is intended to be narrative purpose with Sarah Katz-Hyman playing Tegan and Ginnifer, what with the whole “I’m a new girl, but I’m the same girl” thing. (Also, today coincidentally happens to be Sarah’s birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!!!!!!!!!).
Clockwise from left: Kollin Holtz (Dean), me, Sarah Katz-Hyman (Tegan and Ginnifer)
Once every role was cast, scheduling a recording became the next daunting task. Actually, it wasn’t all that daunting. Usually, it can be a bit of a slog, trying to find the right day and time for everyone; it’s actually fairly rare for everyone’s schedule to line up perfectly, at least if the recording is happening sooner than later. With “The One,” because of the big cast and multiple speaking parts, I decided to try something different. I did my usually Doodle poll to gather everyone’s availability, but after that, I chose two, count ‘em, TWO different dates for recording, knowing that I’d get all the necessary takes for Day 1, and then splice them together with everything done on Day 2. As much as I like to have authentic reactions and real spontaneity for every episode, this was most logical way to do it.
Day 1 was scheduled on a Saturday for Sarah, Michelle Dean and Kollin Holtz. However, when the time came, Michelle was nowhere to be seen. Oh no! She had gotten pulled into an errand and mistakenly forgot to check her calendar. Thankfully, she was able to attend the Day 2 recording the following Wednesday. So Kollin, Sarah and I tackled the two big scenes on our own.
A cameo from Sarah’s wonderful dog, Whoofi Goldberg!
Day 2 came, and the rest of the cast showed up, Kollin included (Sarah couldn’t make it, but again, she’d already gotten all her stuff in). What I was really interested to hear were the voices people would come up with for their various characters. Needless to say, I’m glad I was on mute for the main read through, especially when Molly Sanchez came in as Valentina with her “Yinnifer!” Michelle, I think, had the most difficult task with an Irish accent; she’s always been great at voices, but Irish was something new for her to tackle. But I wasn’t going for 100% accuracy with this. Still, if there are any Irish listeners, sorry?
Top row: Kollin, my off-camera pic, Michelle Dean (Claire and Margaret)
Middle row: Brian Lucett (Father Howard), Frances Sink (Susan), Molly Sanchez (Valentina and Jaime)
Bottom row: Avi Rajput (Oli and the bartender), Hector Huang (Patrick and Steven)
For an episode that’s dialogue heavy and doesn’t necessarily have that much action, editing this thing was no easy feat. It involved layering various reactions and muttering from those in the pews in the background. It involved finding the right copyright free music to include during the reception scene (I am honestly thankful and woeful I found the “slow song” that Tegan plays, because ugh, it’s so perfectly corny, but UGH, it’s so perfectly corny). But overall, I think it came together nicely, and is a fitting final episode for Season 2.
Whatever’s happening here, Kollin and Brian don’t look amused? I’m sure they were, just containing themselves.
I don’t set out to tether every episode of a season with a theme or anything like that, but as is often the case, one kind of revealed itself organically. If Season 1 had a binding theme, it would be about the people with whom you surround yourself and whether they are healthy or toxic for you. With Season 2, I think it’s really about the folly of expectation. The pressure that placed atop our heads by both others and ourselves to live life a certain way. The pressure we place upon others to act like this or like that, perhaps because it’s more convenient to us. All this can be done directly or indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally, consciously or unconsciously, but we all do it, and we all suffer from it.
More over, I think this season ties everything together specifically with how this plays into the antiquated ideas of being a man. I don’t think this just because there’s a whole episode this season dedicated to toxic masculinity. I think the themes from that episode (“The Perfect Crime”) and more bleed into every episode to a certain extent. I see certain behaviors within myself that I would call stereotypically male, and they’re behaviors I can’t stand and want to change. Honestly, I have no desire to be thought of as “a man,” but I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m non-binary or genderqueer, at least not yet. Even at nearly 35 years of age, I still have a lot of exploring to do, more growth to experience, and even more self-discovery. I mean, fuck, I’ve only been in two relationships??? Talk about a lack of life experience. But that’s why I write: not just to entertain, but to learn. Learn about myself, learn about others. To understand. I mean, isn’t that what we’re all trying to do? Just understand what the fuck is going on?
Who knows if we ever will? But until that day, at least you have this silly, little podcast to tide you over for, on average, 53 minutes of your time (yes, I did that math).
Thank you for listening to Season 2.
—Andy